Are you willing to fight for it?


Yesterday I was supposed to write a blog and I just could not bring myself to do it. My husband and I were still in the middle of working through something that had popped out of nowhere in our marriage bed the night before, and I was still too raw.

It amazes me how vulnerable I am in my marriage bed. I like to say, I am like a sea anemone. I gradually open up, until my tentacles are freely flowing in the current, enjoying being tossed about with the movement of the tide, receptive to new experiences and comfortable receiving whatever comes my way. But when I am totally opened up, my most sensitive spot is also exposed. My deepest, most personal, most private self is laid out for my husband. He knows me like no one else, but it is not easy, because all it takes is one little prick to that most sensitive spot, and I immediately close to protect myself.

Now you probably are wondering, what the heck did my husband do to me? You know what, he didn’t do anything. All he did was honestly share his feelings about something I do in our marriage bed. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, he wasn’t trying to manipulate me – he was just being honest. He was probably being more vulnerable than he has ever been, and that is a good thing. But that doesn’t mean it was easy.

Last night as we were working through things, I told my husband, don’t ever feel like you can’t be honest. I want to know you, even if it sometimes hurts, even if I sometimes react like a sea anemone. I would rather truly know my husband, than be in bed with a man that I concocted to never hurt my feelings.

We came out on the other side of this, knowing more about each other, but also understanding ourselves better. If this issue had never come up, my husband wouldn’t have spent time thinking, why do I feel like this? I wouldn’t have spent time thinking why is this important to me? And we wouldn’t have shared those experiences with each other. Sex forces us to take a deep look at ourselves, to consider how to better love our spouse and to find a place in the middle to meet.

I am so proud of my husband for being honest and actually sharing how he felt. I am proud of him for taking a deep, long look at himself, and for bravely seeing and hearing my wounded self. I am proud of him for not retreating in conflict, but for stepping toward me. I am proud of him for being willing to fight for the intimacy that we want in our marriage bed.

Intimacy is not easy, but it is so worth it on the other side. Are you going to just stay in your safe place of not revealing too much, or are you willing to fight for intimacy in your marriage? It is so worth it.

Comments 1

  1. Your authenticity is just what this world needs…just what I need….
    I love your bravery in being honest. It sets the bar high for me in my marriage. Thank you for this post.

  2. Last Sunday we were having our afternoon delight only there was no delight. She was mechanical and I was sinfully critical and I could not get it up. Husbands are not in control of there ability to perform. Having a positive mental attitude helps but it was hard at that point. After feeling like my needs were not important it was not going to happen. I was honest with her and told her that her enthusiastic participation is critical. She thought being there was enough but as much as I appreciate her being there it seems like if we wait very long I lose my erection and if there’s any negative between us whether real or imagined it will not be back. As we get older we lose sensitivity and hormones which really make the process easier for young couples and more challenging as we age. Fast forward a week with a good date midweek and sharing body massages and a really good Orgasm in the hot tub Thursday night.
    Then She hopped back in bed naked Sunday morning and after a few minutes of foreplay I could perform very well and she had two orgasms on top and wow it was intense. Kind and honest communication can do wonders! Taking time to care for each other is special and good times still sneak up us but it takes more than just doing it. Here’s the deal like you said, It takes purposeful and honest loving communication to have good sex. Ruth your honesty is refreshing and helps us realize that good marriages even the best ones do have their times and things to work through. 38 years and we are still changing and learn get how to minister to each other’s needs and issues. It is good to know we are fairly normal??. Thanks. You are very helpful by being honest with us.

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